Tuesday, January 2, 2007

So without further ado, here is my A-Z list for the New Year.

Arsene Wenger, please manage an entire 90 minutes without moaning, groaning or getting sent from the dugout — and if you're going to get into some quality handbags, at least kick off with Jose Mourinho.

Beckham, the David variety, face the facts — your Spanish lessons will pay off far better in Los Angeles than they ever will in Madrid. Stop wasting time warming the bench at the Bernabeu and cozy up to Alexi Lalas and the Los Angeles Galaxy.

Chelsea ... bah humbug!

David Dein (Vice Chairman of Arsenal and Chairman of the G14), instead of munching prawn sandwiches in your luxury box at Emirates Stadium, slum it with the true fans once in a while. You'll learn a lot and perhaps get a clearer picture of what the game is really all about.

England, stop embarrassing me, please.

Freddy Adu, put up or shut up.

Goals, we need more of you. This EPL season is on target to be the lowest-scoring term ever. Perhaps it's time to start tweaking with the goalposts!

Harry Redknapp, don't ever change, you're one of the biggest characters football has ever seen — and Harry Kewell, I just want to see you play football again.

Instant replay! We've got it so we might as well give it a go. One thing I respect US sports for is that they're always willing to try something new. If it doesn't work, junk it! But let's face it, there is too much money floating around to have matches blown by bad calls that could be rectified by a simple replay.

JJB, home of Wigan Athletic and the worst-supported club in the Premiership. 'Let's be having ya' Latic fans and get that average attendance over 20,000 where it belongs. Remember, it was only a few years ago that you were in the bottom league of English football welcoming the hordes from Scunthorpe United.

Kanu, you are an ungrateful man.Redknapp resurrected your career at Fratton Park and you repay him by saying that if a better offer comes along in the January transfer window you're off? I would like you to apologize to your manager, teammates and more importantly, the fans who pay your wages.

Louis Saha, don't stop scoring goals and keep this title race alive.

Mourinho. shut it; you're becoming a laughing stock.

Nineteen-ninety was the last time Liverpool FC won the title. Their captain, Steven Gerrard, thinks that despite being thirteen points behind leaders Manchester United, they can still triumph — does he believe in Santa or what!

Obafemi Martins has caught fire at Newcastle and is seemingly on a mission to turn the club's fortunes around. The Gallowgate End has their new Alan Shearer. Just imagine the atmosphere at St. James' once Michael Owen gets back to full fitness.

Portsmouth has made it feel like Christmas Day everyday to their loyal supporters this season. Champions League football, anyone?

Qualifying campaigns are fraught with sweaty palms and sleepless nights. Please Santa, let England get back on track for Euro 2008.

Ronaldo has been a shining light in the Premiership ever since his arrival from Portugal. At this particular point, there could be no argument as to this season's player of the year.

Steve McClaren, how about showing us that you're not a complete 'numpty'.

Terry Venables, how about helping out your 'numpty' mate and delivering a national team we can be proud of.

United, the Sheffield variety. I love the way Neil Warnock wears his heart on his sleeve and the supporters get behind the team. My wish is for you to get another season in the top flight, you're all a credit to the game.

Van Persie, you truly are the heir apparent to the Dutch master, Dennis Bergkamp. Please continue to dazzle me with that sweet left peg.

Wembley, are you really going to be the greatest football stadium in the world?

Xabi Alonso, give me another strike from inside your own half. I finally wised up and put a few quid on you down at the bookies.

You'll never walk alone sung at full blast is still the most stirring song heard at a football match. I suggest we bring it to Los Angeles and the Galaxy.

Zinedine Zidane, I hope that in retirement you enjoy Christmas at home with the wife and kids.